I think I'm going to have to make this up as I go along. It'll be just as much from the heart as if it suddenly dawned on me and I penned it down like a ready writer, but not as polished. I find I'm better at 'winging it', so to speak. The one and only other time I had to write anything down from the heart was when I had to write my high school graduation speech. It took me days...but I eventually came up with something decent. However, it was all for naught because in the end I left my 'speech' at home and had to come up with something brand new off the top of head in the time it took me to unglue myself from my seat and make my way to the podium. I'm quite certain that that was the worst case of nerves I've ever experienced in my life so far. In fact, I was so nervous that I cannot even recall the first half of my speech. But as I stood there in front of everyone ogling me as if I were on display, my gaze became fixated on my Mom's like a magnet. She was seated on the front row smiling and nodding, and instructing with her eyes for me to keep looking at her and her only. So I did. ...Do you know I often reflect on that and get a kind of warm feeling inside, almost as if I feel I'm still a kid with my grand sense of security.
So. As I approached midway into my nonsensical ramblings of Lord knows what, I got a sudden wave of calm confidence. Out of the blue. Only, I suspect it most likely was not out of the blue but rather from the Lord and my awesome mother. I mean, seriously, I was dying up there and was in desperate need of divine intervention. Once I received the confidence I needed I was in 'the zone'. My ramblings turned into an actual speech, and a speech off the top of my head no less. I had people crying. I had people roaring with laughter. I went from zero to hero in the blink of an eye. And let me tell you, - that never happens to me.
I know you're reading this, Tony, and thinking, What does this have to do with anything? ...I don't know yet. Remember the part where I'm winging this? Yeah. But hey, it's from the heart. Truly, it is. So hush and bear with me here.
Maybe I'm remembering this particular episode in my life because of the role my mother played. She was there for me. She was there to catch me when I fell. She was there to silently coax me on. That has given me a brief but profound experience of feeling completely alone and at a loss (well, for words anyway; but that's a serious dilemma for an introvert, mind you), and yet at that very desperate moment you need it most, there's that safety net. A safety net comes in all forms. In my own experience, it was my mother's gaze.
Recalling this moment in my life makes me grateful for the safety net I have in my mother, but at the same time I now have a better understanding of how your own life has been lacking in 'safety nets'. To be perfectly honest, I don't believe I ever considered how my own life impacted anyone else's life. Perhaps I didn't think there was any significant impact at all or that it even mattered to begin with. But knowing you has changed that. God brings people into our lives for a reason, so I know you and I were meant to know each other and to be friends. Like my mother was for me, perhaps I've played a similar role in your life. I think this is evident. ...And in return you've shown me just how much of an obstinate butthead I can be, and have been towards you. You might find that ugly, and it is ugly...but it was necessary. I know this now. I am an intolerant person; stern and quick to dismiss. You, unwittingly, showed me just how much I have sadly exceeded the limit of these character qualities. Thank you.
I'd like to hope that I've been the friend and Sister in Christ who builds up, who is edifying, who is always there to encourage you in righteousness that I should be. I know that I wasn't so much in the beginnings of our friendship due to my unconscious refusal to soften my heart towards you and your 'baggage'. For this I am sorry.
The time is now and I no longer see any 'baggage' in your life but only a mere 'carry-on'. It's not only been quite an experience journeying with you to this point, but I can now say it's been a joy. I'm blessed to have had a front row seat in watching you grow so much in all areas of your life. Whether or not God has used me in such a way as a 'safety net' in your life, I really don't know, but I do know that I would like to be one for you. God has used you to teach me the value of putting away indifference towards others, so now I'm going to put that lesson into effect. ...And you have no say in the matter. Because after all, I'm an obstinate butthead. So there.
Forever and Always,
Sharon
